A profound sense of loss is felt at the death of a loved one, whether that death is sudden or expected. There is no set pattern to grief. Some people grieve for a short time while others may never fully recover from their loss. Some won't experience their grief until some time later. There is no one right way to grieve. As each of us is unique so too is our grief.
It is during these times that the support of friends and family is so important. Having a visitation, funeral, or memorial service is an important part of the grieving process and brings people together who can give you a support network. If that is not enough, your local community, religious organizations, and many healthcare organizations offer grief counseling or grief support groups.
Often after the funeral is over and friends & family have left is when you might most feel the loss. It appears that everyone else has stepped into their routines again. This is often the hardest time as it is the first time you really feel the loss. It takes time to heal. You should give your self plenty of time, but also realize that the loved one that left you behind would also want to see you happy and taking care of yourself. It might help to join a support group to share your feelings.
Here are some grief support groups to help:
- Grief Share - www.griefshare.org
- Grief Net - www.griefnet.org
- Good Grief Resources - www.goodgriefresources.com/grief/support_groups/default.htm
- Growth House - www.growthhouse.org/death.html
- Be true to your self and your feelings The love that you shared with your lost one can never be taken away. Say it out loud and live it every day.
- Shift your attention to others When possible, remember how your loved one would have wanted you to live on and take care of yourself and your friends and family. Your loved one would have wished you to continue to be happy. Focus on those that are still in your life today.
- Talk about the person Don't bottle up your feelings. Allow yourself to talk about the person and how they had an impact on your life. Remember the good times as well as the poignant moments. Celebrate the person's life and his or her role in your life.
- Write about the person Writing helps you honor the person and honor your relationship. It gives you a chance to say the things you always wanted to express that went unsaid. As you write, you will realize that nothing is ever lost and that the love you shared will hold you together.
As the anniversary of a disaster or traumatic event approaches, many survivors report a return of restlessness and fear. Psychological literature calls it the anniversary reaction and defines it as an individual's response to unresolved grief resulting from significant losses. The anniversary reaction can involve several days or even weeks of anxiety, anger, nightmares, flashbacks, depression, or fear.
On a more positive note, the anniversary of a disaster or traumatic event also can provide an opportunity for emotional healing. Individuals can make significant progress in working through the natural grieving process by recognizing, acknowledging, and paying attention to the feelings and issues that surface during their anniversary reaction. These feelings and issues can help individuals develop perspective on the event and figure out where it fits in their hearts, minds, and lives.
It is important to note that not all survivors of a disaster or traumatic event experience an anniversary reaction. Those who do, however, may be troubled because they did not expect and do not understand their reaction. For these individuals, knowing what to expect in advance may be helpful. Common anniversary reactions among survivors of a disaster or traumatic event include:
Memories, Dreams, Thoughts, and Feelings: Individuals may replay memories, thoughts, and feelings about the event, which they can't turn off. They may see repeated images and scenes associated with the trauma or relive the event over and over. They may have recurring dreams or nightmares. These reactions may be as vivid on the anniversary as they were at the actual time of the disaster or traumatic event.
Grief and Sadness: Individuals may experience grief and sadness related to the loss of income, employment, a home, or a loved one. Even people who have moved to new homes often feel a sense of loss on the anniversary. Those who were forced to relocate to another community may experience intense homesickness for their old neighborhoods.
Fear and Anxiety: Fear and anxiety may resurface around the time of the anniversary, leading to jumpiness, startled responses, and vigilance about safety. These feelings may be particularly strong for individuals who are still working through the grieving process.
Frustration, Anger, and Guilt: The anniversary may reawaken frustration and anger about the disaster or traumatic event. Survivors may be reminded of the possessions, homes, or loved ones they lost; the time taken away from their lives; the frustrations with bureaucratic aspects of the recovery process; and the slow process of rebuilding and healing. Individuals may also experience guilt about survival. These feelings may be particularly strong for individuals who are not fully recovered financially and emotionally.
Avoidance: Some survivors try to protect themselves from experiencing an anniversary reaction by avoiding reminders of the event and attempting to treat the anniversary as just an ordinary day. Even for these people, it can be helpful to learn about common reactions that they or their loved ones may encounter, so they are not surprised if reactions occur.
Remembrance: Many survivors welcome the cleansing tears, commemoration, and fellowship that the anniversary of the event offers. They see it as a time to honor the memory of what they have lost. They might light a candle, share favorite memories and stories, or attend a worship service.
Reflection: The reflection brought about by the anniversary of a disaster or traumatic event is often a turning point in the recovery process. It is an opportunity for people to look back over the past year, recognize how far they have come, and give themselves credit for the challenges they surmounted. It is a time for survivors to look inward and to recognize and appreciate the courage, stamina, endurance, and resourcefulness that they and their loved ones showed during the recovery process. It is a time for people to look around and pause to appreciate the family members, friends, and others who supported them through the healing process. It is also a time when most people can look forward with a renewed sense of hope and purpose. Although these thoughts, feelings, and reactions can be very upsetting, it helps to understand that it is normal to have strong reactions to a disaster or traumatic event and its devastation many months later. Recovery from a disaster or traumatic event takes time, and it requires rebuilding on many levels - physically, emotionally, and spiritually. However, with patience, understanding, and support from family members and friends, you can emerge from a disaster or traumatic event stronger than before.
If you are still having trouble coping, ask for help. Consult a counselor or mental health professional. In the workplace, you may be able to get assistance from your human resources department or your company's Employee Assistance Program.
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