When a parent dies, it is only natural for us to grieve; to feel pain, anger, denial, guilt, and deep sadness. How do we say good-bye to a part of our past that helped make us the people we are today? Through grieving, we begin the process of dealing with reality and being able to remember without pain.
Reactions to Losing a Parent
Grief is as individual as it is natural. How you grieve the loss of a parent depends on a number of factors. While the age and health of a parent can help prepare you for the death, it does not diminish the grief.
Your relationship at the time of his/her death is a major factor in the type of grief you endure. Distance and other circumstances sometimes prevent us from sharing our feelings with our parents; if the death was the result of an accident or sudden illness, the opportunity may seem to be lost forever. The sense of loss could be heightened if there was an argument or a family rift.
Shock and denial are common reactions to the death of a parent, in addition to a feeling of numbness, anger, and guilt. These are completely understandable and normal reactions and you should not feel ashamed or alone for experiencing these feelings.
Perhaps you feel that none of what has happened is real — as if it is all a bad dream. This does not mean there is something wrong with you. This reaction is nature’s way of insulating you and giving you time to slowly accept what has happened.
Anger is another very natural reaction. You may feel anger at the doctors or nurses who could not save your parent. You might become angry with family members, or with God. You may even feel anger toward your parent for dying. Indeed, you may be angry most of all with yourself for not paying closer attention to symptoms if death was due to illness, or for not being with him/her to prevent an accident.
By working through this anger with a trusted friend, clergy, or a grief counselor, you will come to the realization that nothing you could have done would have prevented your parent’s death. This is a positive step in the process of grief recovery.
Guilt can accompany the anger you feel at your parent’s death. You may ask yourself: “Why didn’t I see the warning signs?” “Why didn’t I make sure they ate properly?” “Why did I insist they take that vacation?” You will undoubtedly second-guess yourself many times throughout the grieving process.
It is common to become preoccupied with the parent who died. You may recreate the circumstances of their death over and over again in your mind. You might experience dreams and nightmares, or you may think you see or hear your parent while awake. These reactions which may seem bizarre to you, are also quite common signs of profound loss.
Secondary Losses
As the initial shock of death fades, it is common for the bereaved to slip into depression or feel panic. When a parent dies, you eventually experience what are known as secondary losses.
Not only have you lost a parent; in a way, you may feel you have also lost a part of your past. Your parent may have been a trusted adviser, role model, or your closest friend. It is not unusual for adults to seek a parent’s advice before they make large purchases or investments — after all, they have years of experience upon which to draw. Was your parent an advisor on child-rearing, relationships, cooking, and health? Perhaps your parents’ home was the place for family gatherings. Without your parent to fulfill all these roles, you may suddenly feel very alone.
Even if you were quite independent from your parents, you may still experience forms of secondary loss. Perhaps you hoped he/she would have lived to see you achieve an educational degree, a career or business goal, athletic accomplishment, your marriage, and their grandchildren. Their death may have preceded your marriage or the birth of your children. A parent’s absence from these important milestones is a form of secondary loss — a part of the grieving process.
The death of a parent often brings on a sense of one’s own mortality. You may become haunted by feelings of “I’m next,” especially as your generation becomes the oldest in your family line.
Coping With Your Grief
The first step in overcoming grief is a recognition that grief is necessary. It is a process you must work through; and there are no shortcuts.
Do things that trigger memories, and talk openly with family members and friends. Look to this circle for support. They may not know how badly you are hurting, but they will listen. At first, they may feel awkward, not knowing how to help. Simply tell them what you need.
If you normally have a pressing or stressful schedule, lighten it for a while. Grief can affect both your mental and physical being, so don’t add to the stress and strain too soon. Set aside some quiet time to allow yourself to accept what has happened. You need to work through how it is affecting you, and decide what adjustments, if any, need to be made in your life.
If one of your parents is still alive, talk with them and share your memories. Sooner or later, you will join together in laughing and crying as the grief process develops.
You might gently suggest that your mother or father not make any major decisions for several months. A grieving widow or widower may make drastic decisions such as selling the family home, or giving away possessions, only to regret it later.
Another important thing to remember is to take care of yourself during this emotional time. Grief can take a tremendous physical and emotional toll. Familiar signs of physical grief are weight loss, difficulty sleeping, irritability, shortness of breath, and even hair loss.
Your family physician can help if you cannot sleep or eat, or if you experience strong feelings of anxiety. Be aware of the signs of stress which can affect your well-being, and visit your doctor at their first indication.
If you still can’t seem to handle your grief, remember this: There is no timetable for grief, so it is difficult to say when a person might need professional counseling. If you are worried that your grief is controlling you, speaking with a grief counselor may help. You’ll be relieved to discover that you are not alone in your reactions to the death of a parent.
Feelings of loss are universal — we’re all human! But we each deal with death in our own individual ways. It simply takes time.
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