A memorial service is typically a remembrance service of your loved one that has passed. It is without the body and as such, is sometimes more convenient as timing can be delayed to meet the convenience or needs of the family. Note that this is different from a "funeral" service in which the body is present and is usually planned within a few days of death.
Memorial services are often held when a body has been lost at sea, is never recovered (e.g. September 11, 2001), when the body was immediately cremated after death or donated to science.
Multiple services may be appropriate in some situations--a simple graveside service for the immediate family at the cemetery "back home", followed by a memorial service in the community where the deceased more recently lived or a memorial service for co-workers and another for community and friends.
Sometimes there is a need to delay a service due to traveling family member or perhaps to wait for the survivor of an accident to get out of the hospital. By not feeling pressured to have a service right away, there is time for thoughtful planning. A memorial mass is now accepted by the Catholic church.
Many funeral directors will be glad to assist with memorial service planning whether using the funeral home location or not. If arranged by a funeral home, there will be a charge for the memorial service. Some families find it therapeutic and loving to plan and hold the memorial service themselves.
In planning a memorial service, decide if your loved one would prefer a formal service or an informal one. Steve had church affiliations, so it was logical that his memorial service was held at his church. Darren had not maintained his church affiliations, so his wife chose to use a funeral home for a Masonic rite back in the home state where his ashes will be scattered or buried. Charlie's father spent the last four years of his life in a retirement community. Because it would have been difficult for many of his friends to travel, Charlie held a memorial service in the activities room there. Astrid's love of art and music made the local art museum the perfect location for her friends to enjoy a concert in her memory. Sheryl was a country-living soul. A hillside gathering amidst the wildflowers was a perfect setting in which to sit around in jeans and share memories.
If the deceased did not leave any instructions behind, you will need to determine if there will be a public announcement in the newspaper or whether a written mailing to certain friends and associates seems better, or whether phone calls and the local "grapevine" will be sufficient notice.
Clergy are likely to be involved with any service in a church, temple, synagogue, or mosque. The program is then typically determined by the religious practice and protocol. You can certainly ask clergy to participate in a service. Religious services are being adapted to allow participation from attendees, with people invited to share their memories and thoughts after the initial service, making the occasion more memorable.
As for others who might lead or facilitate a service, the personalities of the people involved may dictate the best choice. A spouse who is shy about public speaking would likely defer to an adult son or daughter who is more at ease with public speaking. Even a best friend or sibling could be asked to preside. If several will participate, it's a good idea for one of them to be designated with the coordinator's role. This helps to better transition between speakers and helps to determine the order of roles.
It is nice to find a role for children if the deceased was a special person in their lives. Handing out flowers or programs can be managed by even young children or grandchildren. Some may wish to draw pictures for a memory book.
If there are no religious dictates, you may want to pick a theme of remembrance exemplifying the deceased. Will he or she be remembered most for their civic activity or fun times or loving ways with their friends and family? Will they be remembered for hobbies and charity work or maybe even their practical jokes? Are there favorite readings of the deceased? Bible verses or Zen philosophy? Poetry? (Ernest Morgan's book Dealing Creatively with Death has some excellent examples and suggestions.) Did the deceased leave writings, maybe instructional or inspirational letters a relative has saved? You could ask friends and relatives to write up a favorite memory to read aloud or to be read. (Having those vignettes in writing, too, will mean a lot to a surviving spouse or off-spring after the service.) Some families may decide to print a formal program for the service, listing music to be played and the readings to be given, but it is not necessary.
Beginning the service with music and ending the service with music creates natural "bookends" for the event. The universal language of music can be calming, healing, or unifying as people gather, whether played by community musicians or made available on CD or iPod. In this age of personalization, there are many options from jazz, a Bach organ concerto, a New Age harp or even modern pop. Attendees are even likely to be forgiving of a grandchild's imperfect flute rendition of "O Danny Boy" when it's offered with love.
Karen found that the pictures displayed at her sister-in-law's memorial really broke the ice for tearful family and friends as they reminisced over the hilarious old fashions. You might want to ask friends and relatives to contribute photos, clippings, awards, or other special mementos that can be assembled in a memory book for the surviving spouse or family.
Anne's family had potted chrysanthemums decorating the church. The pots were offered to special friends and relatives to take with them after the service, to remember Anne-the-gardener in years to come. This thoughtfulness shows that this family had thought through the question, "What will happen to the flowers after the service?"
Sharing food during a bereavement gathering remains a popular practice. The ladies of the church put on a huge pot-luck supper in the town hall after one resident's memorial service. But it might be as simple as iced tea and cookies supplied by the family at an "Open House" at home or as fancy as a reception at the local inn. One man has asked for "a cocktail party," and his wife intends to oblige.
With a mobile and dispersed society, friends and relatives are likely to be scattered far and wide. They may never see the obituary in a local paper and may not be able to attend the memorial or funeral service. Using her mother's Christmas card list, Sarah sent out a notice of her mother's death. Written as a tribute to her mother, Sarah listed some of her mother's remarkable traits and accomplishments. It ended with suggestions for memorial donations to causes that her mother supported: peace, the arts, and education. This sort of card can be easily put together on a home computer or copied at a local copy shop, including a picture if one is wanted. A wide choice of nice paper in many colors is available.
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| Flower Etiquette | Obituaries | Grief |
